People offering their opinions on your parenting choices is one of the aspects of parenting no one tells you about before your baby arrives. Lots of parents find it distressing and a big source of anxiety. Breastfeeding is often one of the things you get told you’re doing wrong, whether it’s feeding too often, for the wrong amount of time or at an age that is too old. It can help to try and remember that many times, this criticism comes from a place of caring and that the person telling you these things is trying to help, but often it can feel hurtful and upsetting. I’ve listed some strategies to help you respond or deal with criticism or unwanted comments that you might encounter during your breastfeeding journey. You might find it helpful to use these techniques to respond to criticism about other aspects of parenting as well.
Remember why you want to breastfeed.
This is so important! You are the mum. It’s your choice and nobody else’s business.
The way you respond will depend on how you’re feeling at the time, how breastfeeding is going and who is doing the criticising. Dealing with criticism can be hardest when it’s coming from someone you care about (partner/family/friends). Here are a few types of responses you could try:
- Sometimes the smile and nod is the easiest way when you’re tired and struggling. There’s no need to engage if you don’t feel up to it.
- End the discussion politely and change the subject. Eg. “Thanks for your concern. Did you see the new season of Bridgerton is out now??”
- Educate
This option is not always worth the stress. Some people will never change their way of thinking. You will need to decide if this is something you have the energy for.
It can help to reflect the person’s feelings back to find the underlying cause of the comment.
Eg.
Your mother comments “Are you feeding that baby again?! You only just fed them an hour ago!”
You respond: “It sounds like you’re worried that I’m feeding my baby too much.”
Your mother says “Yes, you will spoil them by breastfeeding them any time they get upset”
You respond: “Research shows that responding whenever my baby needs me helps them develop a healthy level of attachment and will help them be ready to separate from me on their own when they’re ready. It’s also great for building my milk supply!”
- Ask questions – ask to see research. This can work well when you’re getting incorrect information from a health professional. You could say something like “Could you show me the research on that because that’s different to what I’ve read”.
Some other things to try:
- Try to stay calm. Responding harshly often doesn’t help the situation.
- Use “I” statements, not “you” statements. This usually sounds less aggressive and is less likely to escalate to conflict. Eg. I feel ____ when ____.
- Slipping your response in between positive statements can make people more receptive to what you’re saying as well as give an opportunity to educate. Eg. “Thank you for showing you care about my baby. It’s recommended that babies are breastfed until at least age 2 or longer if mum and baby wish. I really appreciate you checking in.
- Ask other mothers around you how they have responded to criticism.
Are you nervous about breastfeeding in public?
So many mums worry about this, especially in the early days. It may help to know that criticism for breastfeeding in public is not as common as it once was, but it can still take a little while to feel comfortable for some mums. Here are some things that can help:
Know your rights
- In Australian Federal Law breastfeeding is a right, not a privilege. (This also includes expressing breastmilk).
- Babies have a right to be breastfed and mothers have the right to breastfeed anywhere the mother is legally allowed to be.
- It is illegal legal for anyone to discriminate against breastfeeding women when supplying goods or services, including service at restaurants, clubs, pubs and theatres and on public transport.
Build your confidence at safe places
- Breastfeeding in front of other mums who breastfeed and understand what it’s like can be really helpful as you’re getting used to having boobs out in public.
- My Mums group is a great place to practice! Mums group is on every Wednesday (except public holidays) at Ormeau Community Centre from 10am-12pm. You can book your place HERE.
Think about what you might say in advance
I remember feeling worried that someone might have a go at me while I was breastfeeding in public when my first baby was tiny, so I thought up a response and practiced it in my head, so it was ready to go. It was “I bet you wish your opinion mattered”. This doesn’t fit in with the non-aggressive language talked about above, but it helped me (a very anxious with a fear of conflict) feel prepared. I don’t know if I actually would have said it if the situation came up, but I felt more confident having the words ready to go. (PS. I breastfed my first baby for 2 years and 7 months and my second baby for 2 years and 11 months and never had anyone speak negatively about breastfeeding to me).
References
Breastfeeding in public – your legal rights
https://www.breastfeeding.asn.au/bf-info/breastfeeding-and-law/legalright
Handling Criticism. Becoming Your Own Advocate:
https://www.llli.org/handling-criticism-becoming-your-own-advocate/
Responding to Criticism:
https://www.llli.org/breastfeeding-info/responding-to-criticism/
Recent Comments